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Motherhood is one of the loneliest things I have ever experienced. Barbara Kingsolver once wrote, “..being a stay at home mom was the loneliest kind of lonely, in which she was always and never by herself.” I always thought being a stay at home would be a breeze. I planned to even try online college while I was at home with the baby. I learned real fast that I was SO wrong.

Being a stay at home was not as glorious as I was expecting it to be. I have no time for myself. What was I thinking when I thought I could online school while going through this?! Luckily I never did finish enrolling because of B’s early arrival. I know there is a stigma about stay at home moms being lazy and not actually working hard. Well let me tell you, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’d rather go back through army basic training than do this again. At least that was only three months of hell! Here is a look into my daily routine with a baby at home: Around 6am I am up because my body’s natural clock won’t let me sleep in any more than that. I tiptoe around the house to get my morning coffee and take some time to myself just listening to Crime Junkies Podcasts and sipping coffee. I usually don’t make it through a whole cup of coffee before I am getting anxious because I have so much to do before the baby wakes up. So I am up from my comfy couch and I am picking up the things left out from the night before. My boyfriend and I always get so worn out in the evenings that we just leave things where they are until the next day. All of my energy is in the morning so that’s when I try to get things done for the day. After picking up, I let the dogs out. We live in townhouses so letting the dogs out is a whole other chore. Our oldest heeler refuses to poo anywhere but the house carpet so I take extra time for her to do her duty. In the meantime, the puppy has to circle back and forth a thousand times before he actually finds a good enough spot. By the time I am back inside I am already exhausted. Usually the dogs being hyper wakes B up at this time. That’s when I feed her and afterwards just let her roll around and get her play time in. I would say this part is perfect for some me time but she is on the move so my eyes have to be always checking on her. The rest of the day is naps and play time over and over again. They say to nap when the baby naps, but when am I going to clean or get time to myself? My point is that being a stay at home mom was not at all what I was expecting it to be.

With all of this going on everyday and never leaving the house; the loneliness begins to kick in. It sucks that I am such a homebody because that takes away from my motivation to get out and make friends. Not that I would easily do that anyways because I have crippling social anxiety. I live in a new town so I have no friends or family. Our nearest family is two hours away. All of my family is five hours away. So what do I do when I can’t take the loneliness anymore? I’m still trying to figure that out. My boyfriend is my best friend but let’s be honest… sometimes we just need to girl talk. Sometimes we even need to vent about those little irritating things your partner does or doesn’t do. Also, they don’t know what we are going through! Only another woman would be able to truly relate with our hormones and emotions. That’s why guys call us crazy! Now that I am busy with the baby I don’t get to go to the gym as much, which is what was keeping me sane during my short pregnancy. I no longer have drills to go to to socialize with my army friends. I never thought I’d say this…but I truly do miss working. Don’t get me wrong I love my little girl! I just need to socialize. I may be shy and socially awkward to strangers, but I really am a social butterfly.

Postpartum Depression and loneliness do not mix well. I never knew how badly postpartum depression hits. I always brushed it off and thought it would be no different than my clinical depression. Again, I was SO wrong. I have no one to talk to about my nightmares that I have of losing B and me screaming “I WANT MY BABY” over and over again. I’m surprised I don’t wake up screaming it. I have no one to talk to about not being able to sleep because once I lay down I have flashbacks from the NICU and the birth. I have no girl friend to listen to me talk about how much I hate my body and comfort my fears of my boyfriend not finding me attractive anymore. I have no one to talk to when I feel like I’m failing at motherhood because she isn’t gaining the weight she needs or because all of the other babies her age are reaching their milestones and she is behind. I have no one to vent to about how hard it is to see my friends pregnant and having babies. I know it’s sounds awful, but after everything I went through I might not get that. I don’t know what it feels like to have a baby keep you awake at night from kicking. I don’t know what it’s like to have that cute big belly. I don’t know what a normal birth is even like. I don’t even feel like I should be a mom. I don’t feel like I ever had a baby. I don’t feel like I was ever even pregnant. Who just wakes up and has someone wheel you into a dark room to tell you that the baby behind the glass that looks like a featherless baby bird is yours. How can I even be considered a mother? These are the thoughts I am alone with. I am alone when I cry in the shower when it’s all too much to handle. I am alone when I shut down in front of my boyfriends eyes for no reason at all. I am alone when I hate myself.

All of that being said I know that I am not truly alone. My partner is a HUGE supporter of mine. He is my best friend and I want no one else by my side through this mess. Our families keep in touch and do everything they can to see us and help us. My friends who don’t live here are always there for me to call and vent to. I just have to get over the fact that they aren’t here in person. I was looking up statistics by Leah McLaren on todaysparent.com. I read that 90% mothers feel lonely. This isn’t just preemie moms, this is all moms. She also said that 54% feel “friendless”. It’s been said many times that most first time mothers miss their old life and the free time that they had for themselves. I believe I fall into all of those categories. Again, I love my baby girl and I always wanted to be a mom… but who doesn’t miss doing what you want without needing to find a babysitter last second?

A couple of things that I have found helpful for me are all things I had to overcome my fears to do. The first thing I did was build an online community. I built my Instagram page Mondak_mama just for other preemie moms to hear our story and find hope. I didn’t want anyone to feel as alone and hopeless as I did. In doing so, I found the mom community of instagram. I have made some amazing and supportive online friends from these pages. I highly recommend to share your story and find other moms just like you! If you are religious, going to church is another thing that has helped me as well. I hadn’t been to church since I was about 10 years old. I’ll be honest, going through what I went through was what I needed to truly find God again. He showed me a miracle and blessed our baby girl with strength and life. Every sermon in church helped me make it through our NICU journey. Mom groups of all kinds are great to look into. I met some other moms through stroller bootcamp here in Williston. I saw it advertised on their FB Page and I decided to try it out. I’ll be honest, I didn’t make friends out of it, but I did get to socialize with other moms. I just recently started going to MOPS through my church. We have only had one meeting so far, but I enjoyed getting to talk to other moms of Faith. Lastly, I searched “mom groups” on facebook and found a mom group here in Williston. I added the page on facebook and was that weirdo that just sat there watching the posts and never attending. Finally, when I was struggling to afford finding a counselor, I found this group again mentioned on a Williston, ND site. So I decided to reach out the the person in charge and introduce myself. Today was actually my first day going and meeting everyone. I am so glad that I did! I love meeting people with my Faith, but they all are so much more different in personality and style than me. Going to this mom group I met other moms that were so much more like me! I felt included, I felt comfortable, and I actually had fun. Hopefully I will make a friend out of this. Fingers crossed!

Here are some resources for mental health and postpartum depression:

1. postpartum.net (Helpline: 1-800-944-4773) or (text “HELP” to 4773) they have online support groups and chances to volunteer as well
2. samhsa.gov (Helpline: 1-800-662-4357)
3. suicidepreventionlifeline.org (Helpline: 1-800-273-8255) They also have a lifeline chat option on the website
4. crisistextline.org (Text “HOME” to 741741)
5. FB Groups (just type in postpartum groups)
6. Instagram groups: Preemiehood, therapyforwomen, fruitsofmotherhood, theteaonbirthtrauma, knockonmotherhood, letstalk.mentalhealth, thebirdspapaya, mimosaswithmoms]

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Isaiah 41:10

Feeding a baby food for the first time is a challenge. Feeding a preemie food for the first time seems almost impossible. It took us months to get where we are today, but B is finally actually eating purees!

Our journey started on a feeding tube. After 4 months in the NICU and weeks of trying, B was able to finally take a bottle. It wasn’t a smooth process once she started though! Our feeding journey never has been great and we even still are having issues. B is now drinking 7oz total…but she isn’t keeping it down. She seems to spit everything back up each time. We have used formula specifically for spit up, we have put rice in her bottles, we keep her upright for about 30 minutes after a feeding, we try to burp her each ounce, but nothing is changing. Our pediatrician has now set up appointments for us to see a Gastrointestinal Doctor and an Endocrinologist. We soonest we can get into them is two months away. So until then, we are working on what we can!

When B was 6 months actual 3 months adjusted, our pediatrician gave us the okay to start solids. We were so excited to start giving her purees in hopes that they would help her with gaining weight and not spitting up. That was not the case. It took us 3 months to even get her to eat food without just pushing out. B has a very strong thrust reflex, which has been a challenge since the beginning. She was never able to hold a pacifier herself, she always pushed out the bottle nipple, and then she would push out food. Three months later we finally got her to eat bananas. Yes, I know I shouldn’t start her on fruits, but that was the first thing that she actually would swallow. Now she is eating green beans, rice, and Oatmeal.

So how did we do this? Lots of practice! Our infant development team explained to us that instead of scooping the food onto the roof of her mouth (like we have all been taught before) that I should place the spoon on her tongue and let her figure out how to get the food off the spoon herself. After three months of practice, she finally started to suck the food off the spoon. From there she quickly picked up biting the spoon, and now she is actually eating everything! The key is to keep trying, and lots of patience. Practice! Practice! Practice! Don’t start with a while bowl full of rice. They won’t eat it all. I have slowly been increasing the amount I make the more she wants it.

However, our feeding journey is not over yet. We still have the GI doctor appointments and later on introducing her to non puree foods. Small steps! A preemie moms job is tough. All moms jobs are tough. We just have a bit more of a challenge and a bit more time before milestones are reached. It’s hard for us to watch everyone else post about their baby’s weaning journey and their new foods they like, while we are still trying to get them to even take a bottle at six months! Not all preemie moms have the same challenges, this is just my experience. I have to remind myself that our journey was meant to be different. We needed to learn patience and we are learning. We are just happy to have her alive and well here with us. Not all preemie moms get that and my heart goes out to them!

Hello everyone who is hopefully seeing this! This is first blog post. I hope this page reaches those who need it or would enjoy it. I don’t expect it to grow very big with followers. I am using this as a motherhood journal (although I wish I would have started from the very beginning of this journey).

Let’s begin with an introduction! The woman behind the picture and the words. My name is Sierra and I am from Montana. My family lives in an area referred to as the “mondak” because it’s near the border of both Montana and North Dakota. My baby girl was born a full Nodak (North Dakotan). I am from a very small town with a graduating class of 35. I am 25 years old as of the time I am writing this post. I have a wonderful boyfriend and together we have our little miracle who is currently 9 months old (actual). I have a huge interest in the Danish part of my blood and because of that I am really into all things Scandinavian. We picked out B’s name from one of our favorite viking shows, “The Last Kingdom.” I am a huge people pleaser and I am working on being a more assertive and confident woman. We also have two heeler doggos and one long haired cat (all named from Game Of Thrones).

So there’s a small intro to who we are and what you will be expecting through these posts! ♡