One year ago today I got to finally meet my baby girl. My raw emotions was that I honestly did not want to see her..I know that sounds awful and I felt super guilty about even thinking that..but I was scared. I honestly didn’t think she was going to make it. Especially after I did see her. That first look at her was not what any mother should have felt. I felt sadness, hopeless, and numb. It didn’t feel like my baby. Life felt so cruel. I put a wall up because I had no idea what kind of pain to prepare for…
She was hooked up to so many machines I couldn’t REALLY see her. What I could see was her paper thin legs. They were so transparent you could see the veins. Before even meeting Gavin I used to have these dreams where I’d have a baby girl with lots of dark hair, and she would slowly get smaller and smaller until in my hands until she disappeared. I would always be screaming “my baby.” I always thought these dreams would mean I would have a baby that didn’t survive. In those dreams I remember thinking she looked like a baby featherless bird. When I saw her and saw she looked like a featherless baby bird..I knew THIS is what my dreams meant.
I had people trying to reach out to me all day long. Even people that I never talk to who try to be apart of everyone’s life drama. I was so depressed I couldn’t take any phone calls or answer any texts. I barely even answered my mom. I had given my mom permission to post updates so everyone would leave me alone. The last thing I had wanted to do was talk
to ANYONE other than Gavin about our girl.
Confessions of a Preemie Mom 