One year ago today, I got released from the hospital. As I was walking out of the NICU to make the long journey home since birth, I noticed this prayer on the way out..
Walking out of those hospital doors without her was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I was already feeling guilty and depressed. But now that I noticed this prayer, I felt so much worse. I remember holding back the tears as I walked out those doors with that last line in my mind and guilt weighing on my heart…”Lord, keep my mother near.” Talk about guilt.
Even today i can still feel that ache in my heart as I walked out those doors.
Going home wasn’t easy at all. I cried the whole way home. Crying isn’t even the right word. I was a total mess. An ugly crying mess. After getting home I was so numb I don’t remember doing much other than just sitting there. Numb. Shutting out the world. It’s like people were talking to me, but I couldn’t hear them. I couldn’t be comfortable being home, yet I needed to heal. They say “you have to take care of yourself in order to take care of them” but that felt impossible to do both. Not to mention the guilt from all of the family members. I still had people messaging me all the time that I didn’t have the energy for. I had family members guilting me for going home to rest and heal from a major surgery. I felt like I had no options. They made me feel like I was choosing to let her die because I couldn’t be there every second of the day.
Our home was 2 hours away from the NICU. Minot, ND does NOT have a Ronald Mcdonald to help us financially stay close by. And we had no where else to go but home. Trust me I felt guilty as hell for not being there all day everyday. But you’re damn right I still drove through snow and ice to be there for her as often as I could.
Confessions of a Preemie Mom 